Grief & Hope

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD 

The Lord is my shepherd, 

I shall not want; 

He makes me lie down in green pastures. 

He leads me beside still waters; 

He restores my soul. 

He leads me in paths of righteousness 

for His name's sake. 

Even though I walk through the valley 

of the shadow of death, 

I fear no evil; 

for You are with me; 

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me 

all the days of my life; 

and I shall dwell in the house of the 

Lord forever.

Psalm 23

Sometimes it is hard to write about life when it is so intense and personal, not to mention confusing.  Today we found out that what we had hoped was just a difficult pregnancy was, in fact, a miscarriage.  I have come to despise that word, it implies some kind of carelessness, thoughtlessness or lack of preparedness, it brings to mind other uses like "miscarriage of justice"; and I think to myself, "NO! That is not it at all!"  We have lost our baby and while they were with us they were deeply loved and wanted, there is no word that adequately covers the sense of loss, of emptiness and sadness in my heart.  

This is a season which I will long search for purpose in, and may never find it, however one thing I know; that our babe has been spared the suffering of life on this earth, and while I may never hold her (for some reason, in my head, she has a female voice), she has been taken into the greatest joy of life in the presence of God, eternal, wise and loving God.  I am sad, but not without hope, weeping but assured by His presence that Joy will come in the morning.

Thank you for all your prayers and loving support, I never knew how truly loved we were until this week, you have all blessed us beyond words.

Yours in hope

Ally

Babe, Bed Rest and boredom!!

OK, so here is the update, from my bed; at this time I would like to point out that typing without sitting up or engaging one's abs is exceedingly hard!!

Firstly, thank you so much for all your prayers and offers of help, be assured that we treasure these and will be sure to let you know if you can help with the boys or anything; we are so blessed to have such great friends.

So, here is the situation, on Thursday we went to meet our midwife, and what was supposed to be a tour of the birthing center and meeting our midwife, was rather transformed by the fact that I had already been bleeding for 24 hours when we first met.  Amy, our midwife, is the personification of calm and the birthing center was so restful that, despite the million and one questions running through my head, I was much restored by being there.  We were able to get a look at the babe on the sonogram, and since I am only six weeks, all we saw was a sac and possible fetal cone ( for the uninitiated, this is before any skeleton or anything is visible, basically the spinal column and yolk sac- precursor to placenta).  So, I am definitely pregnant and not imagining it! That is good news!

However, the past 36 hours have been very difficult. Upon leaving our meeting with Amy, armed with instructions, assurances and a list of supplements, I started having cramps and became so uncomfortable that the only tolerable position was curled up, fetal-style, in bed. Which is how I spent all of yesterday and most of today.  My loving hubby has been awesome, taking the boys away pretty much all day so I can rest in peace and quiet, except that now he is tired too and needs a break.  Thank God for family and community.

Yesterday was excruciating, uncomfortable both physically and emotionally; not knowing what my body is doing is probably the hardest part, and since all I can do is wait and be patient, all I can do is trust God that the outcome of this pregnancy was determined before the foundation of the world and that He, in all His wisdom, has chosen to include me in it for His Glory.  

Today, I have tried to reintegrate into a largely vertical society, but find my self exhausted by even the simplest of tasks, so it is back to bed with me and a great opportunity to exercise patience, which most of you know me to be sorely lacking in!  

Please continue to pray for our health (mine and the babe), but also for Luke and the boys that they would be well in their souls and have peace and patience with this situation.

Ally

Joy and hope mingled with fear.

This week has been something of a challenge, apart from the disbelief about the potential for a new member of the WFR family, I have been exhausted both physically and emotionally.  I will try to explain:

Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.... not so long ago a boy and a girl met and married, they quickly added to their number a son of startling intelligence and fun... a little while later they wanted the startling little boy to have a brother and "voila", along came bump number two... at 18 weeks they found out that the soon to be little brother had complications and a large amount of testing and worry and prayer ensued.  By the grace of God number two son was born healthy, though not healed, and tough enough to surprise the NICU surgeons who corrected his omphalocele.  He is now the poster child for healing and recovery and quite the toughest little boy we know.

Fast forward to this year, both boys are growing up fast, intelligent, sometimes belligerent, often loving and sweet, always awesome!  We had found ourselves very content with our 2 little ones and had given no thought to a third, which is why I have spent the last week staring in disbelief at the three little white tests with two blue lines on them!  

On Friday, when I finally gave in to my suspicion and tested, I had an overwhelming sense of powerlessness, of my own selfishness and most of all of sadness that I wasn't jumping for joy at this news.  Then as Saturday began I started to have hope and quiet joy in the plan the Lord must have for this little one to have conquered the seemingly fool proof vasectomy we had planned to prevent such an occurrence.  I was so encouraged by all my friends that I am, in fact, a good mummy and one more little one will be a joy and a blessing.  

And there, my friends is where my heart resided until yesterday, when I started to bleed, not massively, but enough to put fear where hope had been.  I don't even know what to hope or pray for, but we have an appointment with our midwife today, and I am sure she will tell us what is going on.  As I struggle to line my heart up with truth and trust God as the author and perfecter of my faith in all this,  I know that God is in control and that He is showing me new depths of who He is and how He comforts us in our distress and is the assurance of our salvation.  

Please pray for us, that above all we would look to God as our provider, comforter and source of our joy and satisfaction.  

Feebly trusting Him in weakness.

Ally

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

OK so it is time to 'fess up.. here goes!

There is no way that my three year old has been going commando for the past three days, no way at all that because he finally wants to dress himself, that I am letting him go without underwear - No Way Siree!! Not Me!

It is also true that the underwear mentioned in last week's Not Me! Monday post, is definitively not still outside, but now having been rained on for four days, may be a little less of a bio hazard.. I am definitely not that lazy!! Not me!

I did not leave my five and three year old unsupervised except for the tender ministrations of Star Wars the Clone wars for an hour a day while I took a nap, no way, not me!

I absolutely did not take three separate pregnancy tests this week in utter disbelief that number three is on the way, nope not me! And I have categorically not been in denial about said revelation for about two weeks, there is no way that is me! Oh, and they are NOT still sitting on the back of the loo, where neither I nor hubby stand and look at them with head-scratching disbelief, not in the slightest!

That is it for this week, enjoy and join in and feel better for getting it all off your chest!!

Ally :)

Open Season

It appears that it is open season at my house... by that I mean that everyone appears to have become adept at taking aim at, throwing things at and hitting everyone else.  "To what end?"  you may ask, well, as far as I can tell, it is all designed to provoke an outraged reaction from the closest parent, which, by the way dear readers, is ALWAYS me!  (oops did I just shout that? I am obviously demonstrating why I am the target of this war of attrition!)

The problem is that it has become self perpetuating, they yell/ hit/ throw stuff and I, in return, display all the properties of a rocket preparing to enter outer space, while they look a little stunned / dissolve into tears  and then, I feel guilty and indulge them with yet more TV time or a cookie or a cup of tea... which then begins the cycle of violence all over again, because for whatever reason, they are totally unsatisfied with their unrighteous gains so on and so on!  

I just had a revelation!! They are congenitally incapable of coexisting genially while there is a mother in the room.. but, for the most part, they are fine when I am elsewhere!  Thats it!  I am off to the Caribbean for a week, Spring break is here, I am sure they will be fine without me... 

For your comments today, I humbly ask for your best parenty advice on keeping the peace between a 3 & 5 year old who could both go 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and come out on top!! Failing that, entertain me with tales of your little dears and their pitched battles!!

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This week, I absolutely did not wimp out of my life because I was not overwhelmed, not even a little bit, by the mountains of laundry, ironing, dishes and homework.  I did not even contemplate vegging out in front of the TV instead of attacking these things, Not Me!!

Under no circumstances did you not see me at Sprouts with my three year old, where I was categorically not bribing  him into submission with what was obviously not a very sugary treat in the hopes of completing my grocery shopping in peace, no Sir, Not Me!  And what is more, I was not, ever, never ever, that person who, prior to having aforementioned three year old, judged others for bribing their offspring's good behavior and am now therefore not shocked at all at my own inability to survive without a handbag full of lollipops and "treats"!

When number one son, who by the way is five and therefore totally potty trained (in theory), although actually is not, had not one but three accidents; I did not just throw the underwear outside, where they are most certainly not still sitting!  (oh the shame.. :( )

Well that is it for Not Me! Monday  

Tune in next week for more confessions from the dark side of my life!

 

Random Saturday

The Herb Garden.. (see below!)

OK.

So, I realise that I have been unaccountably absent this week, and therefore have decided to start a little thing I am going to call Random Saturday... innovative imaginative title, you say!  Well, you know, that is just the way it is, try to keep up!!  (self-deprecating  humour, very Brit, not very easy to convey in txt!)

Here we go, here is a totally Random sampling of my week, taken from the perspective of second-cup-of-coffee-while-the-kids-fight/play-in-the-background....

* I planted a herb garden this week, I love it, I have raised the parsley and basil from seed and am unaccountably proud that they have survived my kitchen for long enough to make it outside.. it is worthwhile noting that while planning and planting the herb garden my house went uncleaned and laundry went undone to the point that no-one in my house has clean underwear or trousers, and we are about to run out of towels.... but at least my herb garden is weeded, seeded and fed!!

* I have noticed that my children instantly attach immense value to anything the other is currently touching... note I said "touching" not playing with / adoring / using...  it is like they have some kind of ownership serum emitting from their sticky little hands that instantly challenges the other to draw blood  / inflict concussion / throw a spectacular screaming fit in order to obtain said ultimately desirable object.   Examples of such objects over the last week:  one playmobil sword, a large stick (of the "fell off the tree in the back yard variety"), empty toilet rolls, a five gallon bucket (it was orange and as far as I can tell the fact that it was orange and not white like the other seven in the garage was the cause of world war XXVI  for the week!!) etc etc.

* I am in desperate need of a reliable, responsible, reasonably inexpensive babysitter!  When hubby got home from our meeting last Saturday (I was, as you may recall getting ready for the Blogger Dinner at the Grand Lux), he encountered the almost apocalyptic destruction of our, up to that point, relatively clean home.  The sitter du jour had allowed my 3 and 5 year old to run wild ( insert gasps of horror here ); there was popcorn all over the floor; every item from the playroom had migrated downstairs was artfully strewn across the house and garden as if to give the impression that a horde of Vandals had just passed through; the boys had been allowed to eat anything they could get their hands on (which, by the way, is everything in my larder as they have decided that the shelves are as good as a ladder - so now there is nowhere to hide the chocolate :( ); the kitchen looked as though someone had allowed a kindergarden class to make spaghetti sauce without supervision...  And we were only gone for five hours!!  

* I have an extraordinary ability to ignore that beep that the microwave makes to say "I am done cooking, now would you PLEASE get this cup of coffee / rice / potato / soup out of me!!"... in fact, this week I ignored that beep for five whole hours until a friend came over and immediately identified the source of the noise and in an incredulous tone of voice asked me why the microwave was pretending to have cooked rice that was a) cold and b) very possibly beginning to attempt escape under its own power!  I really must pay more attention!

***WARNING!! ***

****Serious one coming up***

* I am in desperate need of food for my soul.  I know this is not funny / amusing etc but it is still part of my week. You see, that was probably the hardest part about this week, the dryness, the lethargy (some days even apathy) that I have been struggling with.  I need real revelation of the person of Christ in my life daily, and when I don't have it I am lost, anchor-less, adrift in the storm that is my life.  My friends try to  help and offer life-rafts of various varieties, but the only person who can truly rescue me is Jesus.  The truth is that He is trying to bring me to a place where He is the source of my contentment, not our income, not my children, not my home, but Him, in all those things, despite all those things.  Then why is it so hard?  Why can I not trust Him to provide for us?  Honestly, that is the root of much of my struggle right now... financial instability is THE challenge to my contentment in Christ, and the root of that is the battle for control of my life - He should be on the throne, He should be the one I look to in all things while I fight against the do-it-yourself, make-it-on-my-own, entrepreneurial culture of my world and my heart.  So, in dependence I ask Him for help, and will not pretend that "more study / prayer / reading / discipline" will make the difference, but hope in His tender mercy and infinite Grace to rescue me from myself.

Thanks for stopping by for a visit, I hope your week was fun and fulfilling and even a bit challenging... because, like the trainers at the gym are always saying, if it isn't hard it isn't changing anything.  Hard is fulfilling - that is what hubby always says.

:)

Ally

What a Riot!!

OK, so my weekend was a study in contrasts!

It all started when, on Friday night at an Open meeting for our MonaVie business, I saw an old colleague and friend from back in Florida, the reconnects continued all day Saturday with one leader after another getting distracted while they were speaking because there were these faces that they recognized but couldn't place... due to the whole relocation thing. 

The catching up with old friends was encouraging for a number of reasons, most of which are along the lines of, "If they can do it, and they are normal, workaday peeps, then so can we!". But then around five, as we prepared to go our separate ways, with promises of "We'll call / email / keep in touch!", I started to get nervous.  Not, you see, on account of these old, rekindled friendships, but more because in a couple of hours, I was going to meet a whole crowd of new people, most of whom I had never met, or for the most part even heard of.... 

So, confession time... I am VERY VERY new at this whole blogging thing, I don't know what a Mr Linky is, I have no idea how to edit HTML, I am absolutely lost when it comes to monetizing and buttons and pages and archives.. I don't even have enough posts to have an archive!!   And I, this unaccomplished newbie was going to the DFW Blogger Dinner, with 29 strangers, a few of whom I have loved from a blogging distance but mostly unknown and therefore potential axe murderers / strangers / aliens!!  

I am thrilled to report that they were all, without exception, really fun, witty, almost totally normal (in that awesome totally screwed up on the inside way that bloggers are!) and absolutely hilarious!  I admit to being lost when conversations turned to the more technical side of blogging, and Mary Ann ( of The Stiletto Mom), I am really looking forward to our chat this week, although I won't be a bit surprised if you are at a loss as to what to do with such a one as I!!  Dorsey, Natalie, Christina, Lisa, and Texan Mama, you were all absolutely brilliant dinner companions, I have rarely had so much fun at a dinner table, and almost never find people who talk as much as me!!  

I can't wait for the next one, and shall henceforth have to severely limit my blog reading / computer time lest my life be solely lived vicariously through all your wit and wisdom and stick figures (Holly!). 

I am honored to count some of you as friends already and look forward to adding to that list daily!  

Thank you for making my weekend!

Ally :)