Weekend Reflections

Yesterday I watched a much loved member of our church family bury her four year old son.

I don't know what to say to make it OK, I can't even begin to know the depths of her sorrow and all I can do is go home and hug my four year old even tighter. The service of celebration forCaden's life was led by Matt Chandler, The Village Church's senior and teaching pastor, and was a beautiful evocation of what we were all feeling; that while this is desperately sorrowful and painful, there is hope and life offered in our deeply held faith that says that, one day, Jesus will make this all right, that He will fix what was broken in the fall of man and that He will reconcile all things to Himself.

"Lord, you are good and you do good" Psalm 119:68

Today, I am flooded with the realization of what we have, in two wild and unruly boys, is precious and to be treasured, yet also that they are not "mine" but rather on loan to me until such time as they are called home again. I find myself just a little more patient in the light of this weekend, a little more willing to allow the dust to take over my home in exchange for a few precious minutes playing trains or cars or light-sabre-carrying-ninjas. I am honored that I have such wonderful children and that they want to play with me, what could be more important?

So, my prayer today is that I will be more patient and more willing to take the time to point them to Jesus and his goodness and grace, and that I would fulfill the task given me of raising them to be men of faith and compassion and mission. Because the Lord is Good and He does Good to us all the days of our lives.

Ally

... and in other news...

OK, so I realise that I have been remiss in my communications. There are many reasons, most of them extremely valid and interesting, but, for the sake of expediency, I will spare you!

As my few faithful friends with exceptionally long memories will remember, we are in a period of change... adaptability not being one of my strong points, I have taken a couple of months out for "head space" and, well, to date, it appears that it has been working. The aforementioned change is well afoot, and after much prayer, tears, anguish and general panic, I am prepared... prepared to lean on my Saviour and trust that He the the power and grace (for grace, read patience with the exceptionally-slow-on-the-uptake!!) to carry me through this.

I have been with my family in the west of Scotland for the last few weeks and this much loved haven has provided me with much needed space, not to mention sleep! The boys have had a blast - nothing quite beats 300 acres you can call your own private playground! And now we are on our way home, just 36 hours will see us on the plane back to Texas and I shall be glad to be home, glad to get on with our lives, glad to see my patient, loving, lovely husband, glad to be able to walk into the next phase of our lives with hope not fear.

I know I am being obtuse and have not told you much about this next phase, but for now, we are going to have dinner and I shall catch up with you all as soon as I have a moment in the next couple of days.

In the meantime... take care, read my friends' blogs and comment away!!

Change

Change is a tricky thing, we don't really like it, we need it so badly that we can't see straight, and it is TERRIFYING! (Yes, I know I am shouting!!) My husband, clever, sensitive, brave-hearted man that he is has been plugging away at the same thing for years and it is killing him... So, why, you may ask am I nervous about him changing paths? I suppose it comes down to lack of faith, not in him, but in my ability to roll with the punches.

You see, I always considered myself flexible, resilient and able to handle all comers; until recently. The past months have taught me that I rely a great deal on my ability to plan, to reason out the most likely outcome and prepare for that. Well, if you have been following for any length of time, you will know how that has been working out! So now we face an unpredictable future and I have to find my trust in a reliable place.

The only one I can think of is my Saviour, the one who always catches me when I fall, the one who will never leave me, the one who was and is and is to come. His Presence is our future, our present need and our past joys. I long for His touch to be the central theme of my life, because, you see, it is the only thing that truly lasts, that has the ability to transcend the difficulties of this life.

It is going to be quite a ride, but He is the supreme comforter and my constant joy.

Yours in Hope

Ally

Prisoner of Summer! Finally! A good excuse for lackluster blogging!

Thanks to Em for the above, I am officially imprisoned, though I may be back in a more regular fashion come July.. think rain and the north of Scotland!!

But, for now, I will check in with the occasional postcard.

If I can find the stamps!

Happy Summer All!

It's been a while....

So, I know it has been a while.

OK, OK, an age, since I posted... pause for massive gaping hole where you all realize you hadn't noticed that I haven't posted in a while... OK, so, where were we?

I know that my last post was a little stark, a little on the "so-real-now-we-don't-know-what-to-say-to-you-at-Starbuck's" side of real.  And, while I know that there is some platitude about time healing all wounds that would fit nicely in here, that just isn't the truth.

The truth is, (deep breath), the TRUTH is that I didn't know what to write, I didn't know how to come back to witty repartee and banter from where I have been, honestly I still don't.  But what I do know is that I have been so touched and humbled by the concern and prayers of you all that I don't want to leave you with the impression that I have crawled under the covers and have yet to emerge... (although, that does sound tempting some days!).

A little while ago, I woke up and realized that that day, the first thing that I thought of, the thing that defined every part of my day, was NOT that I had just had a miscarriage.... and that was a good day.  

And then I realized that I am not alone, as one dear friend pointed out this week, sometimes we don't know why we go through stuff until someone else goes through it, and we realize that we get to hold their hand, give them a hug and offer hope that there is light at the end of that particular tunnel.  

So, thanks for all the support and henceforth I promise to be impressively happy...

Or Not... but either way, I hope you come back!

Ally

Grief & Hope

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD 

The Lord is my shepherd, 

I shall not want; 

He makes me lie down in green pastures. 

He leads me beside still waters; 

He restores my soul. 

He leads me in paths of righteousness 

for His name's sake. 

Even though I walk through the valley 

of the shadow of death, 

I fear no evil; 

for You are with me; 

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me 

all the days of my life; 

and I shall dwell in the house of the 

Lord forever.

Psalm 23

Sometimes it is hard to write about life when it is so intense and personal, not to mention confusing.  Today we found out that what we had hoped was just a difficult pregnancy was, in fact, a miscarriage.  I have come to despise that word, it implies some kind of carelessness, thoughtlessness or lack of preparedness, it brings to mind other uses like "miscarriage of justice"; and I think to myself, "NO! That is not it at all!"  We have lost our baby and while they were with us they were deeply loved and wanted, there is no word that adequately covers the sense of loss, of emptiness and sadness in my heart.  

This is a season which I will long search for purpose in, and may never find it, however one thing I know; that our babe has been spared the suffering of life on this earth, and while I may never hold her (for some reason, in my head, she has a female voice), she has been taken into the greatest joy of life in the presence of God, eternal, wise and loving God.  I am sad, but not without hope, weeping but assured by His presence that Joy will come in the morning.

Thank you for all your prayers and loving support, I never knew how truly loved we were until this week, you have all blessed us beyond words.

Yours in hope

Ally

Babe, Bed Rest and boredom!!

OK, so here is the update, from my bed; at this time I would like to point out that typing without sitting up or engaging one's abs is exceedingly hard!!

Firstly, thank you so much for all your prayers and offers of help, be assured that we treasure these and will be sure to let you know if you can help with the boys or anything; we are so blessed to have such great friends.

So, here is the situation, on Thursday we went to meet our midwife, and what was supposed to be a tour of the birthing center and meeting our midwife, was rather transformed by the fact that I had already been bleeding for 24 hours when we first met.  Amy, our midwife, is the personification of calm and the birthing center was so restful that, despite the million and one questions running through my head, I was much restored by being there.  We were able to get a look at the babe on the sonogram, and since I am only six weeks, all we saw was a sac and possible fetal cone ( for the uninitiated, this is before any skeleton or anything is visible, basically the spinal column and yolk sac- precursor to placenta).  So, I am definitely pregnant and not imagining it! That is good news!

However, the past 36 hours have been very difficult. Upon leaving our meeting with Amy, armed with instructions, assurances and a list of supplements, I started having cramps and became so uncomfortable that the only tolerable position was curled up, fetal-style, in bed. Which is how I spent all of yesterday and most of today.  My loving hubby has been awesome, taking the boys away pretty much all day so I can rest in peace and quiet, except that now he is tired too and needs a break.  Thank God for family and community.

Yesterday was excruciating, uncomfortable both physically and emotionally; not knowing what my body is doing is probably the hardest part, and since all I can do is wait and be patient, all I can do is trust God that the outcome of this pregnancy was determined before the foundation of the world and that He, in all His wisdom, has chosen to include me in it for His Glory.  

Today, I have tried to reintegrate into a largely vertical society, but find my self exhausted by even the simplest of tasks, so it is back to bed with me and a great opportunity to exercise patience, which most of you know me to be sorely lacking in!  

Please continue to pray for our health (mine and the babe), but also for Luke and the boys that they would be well in their souls and have peace and patience with this situation.

Ally